white-adjacent man tells all

Do you find that “start writing” command at the beginning of a new post a bit peremptory? A machine telling me to start writing, really? Do your own damn writing, you bo-bot from Boston.

Fine. I’ll write where you told me but not cuz you told me to. You’re not the boss-bot of me.

Today we’re going to discuss Turkish billionaires. Is something I didn’t know till I read that last sentence. So fine, whatever. I thought that on Thursdays we didn’t discuss billionaires. I don’t know nothin about billionaires (I wasn’t even there, so how could I do it?) but I can talk Turk. Well Turk-ish. Those people are white adjacent, like me in the summer, and that’s something I respect. And they’ve got more dates than history. Which has a lot. Fact is, whitish people made the world what it is today. Them and the other people.

So word on the street is there’s a guy named Ferit, pronounced like it looks unless you look at it wrong, and he claims to own Gobekli Tepe and to be able to spell it without assistance from his staff, whereas I’ve been looking up the spelling since the mid-nineties. It helps if you think “teepee” when you see that white canopy over the archeological hole in the ground that might be the most important thing humans have ever found. Unless they never lost it in the first place.

I made a video to explain how history and pre-history work, but it’s like three minutes and then some, so feel free to play it so fast my voice sounds like it just sucked a helium balloon, as if I didn’t already kind of freak out those kids at that party that time:

And as if that talkie isn’t enough let’s just use these wiggles on this page here to emphasize that even as we speak they’re covering large parts of Gobekli Tepe in non-figurative concrete, which seems way too literal given that we never figured out why they suddenly covered up Gobekli Tepe the first time. They’ve even planted a forest on top, like the forest that walked to Dunsinane in Shakespeare. I never noticed the dunce and inane in Dunsinane before, did you? I don’t think anyone saw them planting the forest. It was just there in the desert one day covering the 95%-plus parts of Gobekli Tepe that have never been opened. Nothin to look at here folks. And the world’s university archeologists have said basically okay and they’ve gone back to their cat-litter boxes to hunt for the word cat inside scat, smiling their little professor Cheshire-cat smiles. What’s next, the world’s tallest teepee on top of Gobekli? Yale’s archeology department housed inside a giant litter box?

At the history moment when in order to survive humans need to plant billions of little no-till, no dig, high-yield, high-mulch local food gardens, or at least date plants, instead the paid archeologists are taking the no-till concept and applying it to buried treasure. Call me honest but sometimes I think you need to call a lack of spade a lack of spade. Spade-Ex will be Elon Musk’s terrestrial corporation when it turns out Mars doesn’t even exist. Spayed Ex?

They’re basically turning Gobekli Tepe into a time capsule and they’re planning to ship it off to the future.

Except it already was a time capsule and we’re already the future. When I was a housepainter I liked to violate my sacred bourgeois trust sometimes and shove time capsules into holes in the soffits forty feet up where no one was likely to find them unless they actually knocked the house down. Except that one time me and Zarko had a big formal ceremony and sent a time capsule off into the future but twenty minutes later we realized we’d accidentally dropped our best scraper into the time capsule and we had to rip the whole thing out. Ever since then I’ve had a sneaking suspicion that the future is twenty minutes ahead of us. It’s probably best to not tell anyone.

—DDT