In Somnia

In the realm of the somnambulists, philosophers are a species of bipedal parrot able to mimic long strings of words but lacking the bright plumage of their flying cousins. Unlike birds, they cannot see well. Apparently they really can’t notice their own consciousness. If they perceive it at all for even a glimmer-second, they call it “hallucination.” So good luck telling them about I Am, am I right? They think visitors are some sort of shadow on a cave wall. Maybe a Walmart wall? [citation needed]

Do check out the Walmartians. These are a species of elephant in the living space with cloaking powers that makes them hard to see. Ha ha but also not ha ha. Walmartians are tumescent waddlers with near-bipedal powers assisted by a variety of third-leg structures which do not appear to be integral to the body itself. In giant boxes they rehearse the motions of gleaning food-like materials but where they keep the real food is not yet known. The larger ones drive around in the box by inserting a sort of wide motorcycle up into the adipose tissue of the anus.

The doctors, scientists, and theologians of the realm speak Tartarian (pig Latin), a language scroll-scratched very well by Roman peoples even though they didn’t exist. [pinch-fingered leaf-smoker icon here]

The “educated” inhabits of Somnia can’t use verbs in Pig, but they memorize nouns and adjectives in Pig to alert the uneducated about their educated status. Educated people are thus often referred to as Pig Latinos. For example Somnian doctors are Pig Latinos with very little healing power but who do possess the shamanistic ability to name things in Pig, which impresses the Walmartians and leads to a saying of the masses, “follow the Pig.”

The Somnian theologians’ main topic is the fall, which in Pig is “culpa.” See also “culpability” or the ability to fall. The phrase “the fall of man” has a ritualistic self-mesmerizing power and theologians in their dreams enjoy enumerating with a hopeful yearning relish a variety of transgressions. In short, they love talking about “sin.” Sin is another word for falling. This obsession comes from their means of locomotion as bipedals constantly falling forward and then shooting a stick-leg forward to stop the fall. Their religious savior showed how to stop yourself from falling by getting yourself nailed to boards, a process called “asking for it.”

It is this falling/not falling action while sleeping that has made Somnians somewhat famous—the Lurch! [cut to a variety of galactic species dancing the Lurch in honor of the Land of Somnia] The lure of the Lurch is the controlled spasticity of the dreamer. [“eyes closed, leg lurched out, twirl your pardner round about” etc.]

In Somnia the inhabitants have, in short, mastered the art of falling forward while asleep. If anyone feels the slight stirrings of an awakening, they chant “I am awake” or “you people are normies” with a kind of dull droning rhythm that lulls them back into torpor and off they lurch.

Worth a quick visit for the bipedal hilarity on the way to the more spectacular pleasures of Venus.

—d.t., B.C.

Photo above shows me practicing The Lurch at solar noon on solstice in Somnia. Photo below is me atop the Tartarian tunnels when I lived in Niagara. The retaining fence keeps sleepers from tottering into the abyss. The locals are asleep and can’t see me, but the ancient robot is watching the watcher.